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Selfishness vs. Self-Control: Guidance for Prioritizing Your Needs Without Feeling Self-Centered

Writer's picture: Monique Whitley Phillip, MA, LPC-S, NCCMonique Whitley Phillip, MA, LPC-S, NCC


I mostly work with women who very rarely look at their own needs. I use to be one of them. We have been, for the most part, tied to the needs of our kids, our partners, our family obligations, or our teams at work. We have spent years being the shoulder to cry on, the financial breadwinner, the chauffeur, the rescuer of all who are in trouble, and the fixer with a superhero cape.


Unfortunately, though, despite all of this servitude, by the time these beautiful women come to me for help, they are depressed, burnout, anxious without knowing why, confused about their broken relationships, and almost always resentful. Our society glorifies us for sacrificing ourselves for the sake of overworking and dictates that this is our way of life (That deserves its own blog post). Shockingly, it is often seen as “good character”. 




Good read: "Your Marriage God's Way: A Biblical Guide to a Christ-Centered Relationship" https://amzn.to/3NPesJq

 

On a deeper level though, focusing solely on others does a few things for us. It increases the likelihood that people will see us as useful, therefore ensuring that they need us. It gives us a sense of control and self-worth. It distracts us from anything having to do with ourselves, because we are convinced something is wrong with us. And it disconnects us from our bodies, where all the uncomfortable feelings are. Does that at all sound like you?

 

There's a lot of superficial talk these days about the need for self-care. The suggestions that come up the most have to do with routines for nail appointments and dedicated time for face masks. While aesthetics can certainly be a good practice for self-care, it is not nearly enough, because the main thing that we leave out is soul care. And how do we know we need soul care? When sleep is never enough . . .




 Good read: "Sacred Rest: Finding the Sabbath in the Everyday" https://amzn.to/4hq3d7X


For anyone who has spent years martyring themselves, an inch towards being nice to themselves in any way brings on a barrage of damning shameful and guilty thoughts. My clients often tell me, “I just feel so selfish. It feels wrong”. Honestly, I get it. After all, isn’t it a good thing to want to serve others? Absolutely!! Jesus was the greatest example of what it should look like to be a servant. However, He had something that a lot of us have struggled with . . . balance. (Read through the gospels to see how often he went off by himself.) The issue is that we often think we have to earn rest. Of course, it feels selfish! This was your original conditioning. This is taught to us by how we have been treated (especially when we’re young); when our needs are repeatedly invalidated, and when constantly ignoring ourselves for the sake of others is praised. We learn that this is essentially a great way to retain validation and avoid rejection. It becomes really difficult to believe that our feelings are not the truth.

 

Romans 12:2 talks about this concept of “renewing your mind”. There is a lot that could be said about this, but it is mostly referring to the ability (and necessity) of re-conditioning your mind in the way you want it to go. In order to change the way you see yourself, you have to change the glasses you’re wearing; otherwise known as your core beliefs. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he”. From a neuroscience perspective, we would say that we are building new neural pathways by repeatedly practicing new thoughts, otherwise known as meditating (a positive synonym for ruminating). Look at the Bible teaching us about neuroplasticity! Here is a cool video that can start to help you to better understand this concept.




 

What essentially happens is that instead of old negative automatic thoughts coming up, the new ones will start to come up first instead the more we practice them. If you have ever learned how to play a sport or an instrument, or anything at all really, you know this is true. You start to do it without thinking. You say, “Monique, that’s all well and good, but why is it so hard?” Well, your ability to change is directly contingent on the degree to which you're willing to tolerate the discomfort between where you are now and where you want to be. Write that down. That was a good quote. We tend to go back to what is familiar (the devil we know).


Once we’ve thought about the work of change, we start to say to ourselves in some form or another, “maybe things aren’t so bad”. And maybe you’re right and can accept things the way they are. Or maybe you start to realize that all that self-neglect also means you no self-control, and isn’t anxiety after all about control? Do you even know who you are anymore? When we are in this state, our defenses are actually down, not up. Proverbs 25:28 says it like this, “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.” Without it, we are completely in somebody else's control and at their mercy. There is a great level of uncertainty, and constant awareness that no matter how hard we try, we cannot prevent being unseen, unheard and uncared for by the very people we are killing ourselves to please. On top of all of that, we are often shamed for being empty when there is nothing left to give them. Self-sabotage anyone?

 

Self-control is one of the gifts that God gives us when we make efforts to be His partner. Galatians 5:22 calls it one of the “fruits of the Spirit”. He is our ultimate safeguard and provider of every need. Go on and repeat after me, “God, NOT people”. Jesus directly told us to “cast” all of our worries. anxieties, and burdens onto Him, and to learn from Him. He promised to give us what we all need the most . . . rest (for our souls). Even this will require you to be self-reflective in order to even know what it is that you need to cast. When you don’t self-reflect, what you most often end up with is a lot of suppressed emotions, and racing or intrusive thoughts.



Good study book: "The Fruit of the Spirit: Becoming the Person God Wants You to Be" https://amzn.to/3Yql3Pr

 

But what if you were intentional, a little at a time, with actually searching your heart and sitting in your body? What if there was, in fact, some good inside of there? Good thoughts, good memories, good sensations, good emotions? What if instead of avoiding it, you learned how to create safety in there, and made it a plush comfortable place to be? You could actually start experiencing relief, self-awareness, a stronger sense of value, preferences and boundaries; those things that actually anchor you. Your life could be stable, and instead of having to force being the “strong woman”, you could genuinely and organically be strong.

 

Ask yourself if living this way, from the inside out, would allow you to more effectively use your gifts, talents, abilities and skills? Please know that if you are able to recognize your own value (and let God show you who you are), putting your authentic self on full display will bring those deep and meaningful connections you have been so desperate for right to you. A good therapist who is the right fit for you can be instrumental to this journey.

 

There is tremendous power in “being” rather than always “doing”. You don’t need to prove your worth. Remember that the Potter puts treasure in every jar of clay.


*As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases from affiliate links.

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